‘Twas the week after Christmas, and I’m feeling quite down
All the gifts are the wrong size, the bills make me frown.
The Spanx had done their job with great care,
Still all those cookies went straight to my derrière.

The kids are all sugared up, jumping on the bed,
While visions of the Visa bill swirled through my head.
Gramma’s out on the porch with her fifth nightcap,
While Uncle Joe takes bets on the Jets or the Pats.

When out in the kitchen I heard my good dishes clatter,
I hid in the bathroom, I could not be sadder.
All the gifts and the food were gone in a flash.
Yet the relatives stayed; Now, I hear a glass smash.

The tree needles are falling like fine new fresh snow
Atop the ransacked boxes and my white carpet below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Is that a wine stain? I mused with some sadness and fear.

I was thinking these folks must all exit quick,
But up the front steps saunters stoned Cousin Rick.
His wife has left him, his kids are all thugs,
Then he whistled and shouted, out came his 12 growling Pugs.

“Now, Slasher! Now, Flasher! Now, Reagan and Nixon!
On, Stupid! On, Cupid! On Wolfer and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! Right through my front door!
Came a swirl of canine as they ran down the hall.

And then, in an instant, upon my oak floor
Came the screeching and scratching of each little paw.
I drew in my breath, and froze in that spot,
In came Cousin Rick in a cloud of fresh pot.

He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
Doritos he held in a brown paper sack,
While Twinkies and Twizzlers tumbled out of his pack.

I gathered my strength, put all my therapy to work,
Then calmly I stated, “I’m not a Grinch nor a jerk.”
“But the time has come for you to all leave.”
I cried softly while wiping my nose on my sleeve.

Rick sidled to his car and gave it a thwack!
And off went the Pugs as if running a track.
They were closely followed by the throngs of guests.
Except Gramma and Joe who were not at their best.

Finally! I rejoiced for the peace I hold dear!
When I heard them exclaim, “We’ll all be back next year!”

Happy New Year!

 May all your bills be small, your gifts perfect, your stains removable and  your guests clean, sober, and GONE!


© 2012 Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Farmington, CT since 1986.She is the author of the award winning From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce now available in Kindle format for $9.99 as well as in paperback.

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  1. CJ Golden on the 29. Dec, 2012 remarked #

    Thank you, Donna, for the laugh and much needed release from the tension of these past two weeks.
    I can always count on you for support, a wise word, brilliant writing and a good jolt of humor when it is most needed.

  2. Beth Shaw on the 30. Dec, 2012 remarked #

    P…..E…R…FECT!!!!!! Happy New Year!

  3. Laurie on the 30. Dec, 2012 remarked #

    Great writing of a reality lots are experiencing!

  4. Ann on the 30. Dec, 2012 remarked #

    Good one, Donna! Loved it.
    Happy New Year!

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