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 No one could escape this week’s media circus that was The Royal Wedding. Even the most cynical found ourselves drawn into the story of the handsome Prince William and the beautiful Princess Katherine. We would like to believe in “Happily Ever After” not just for them but for ourselves as well. As we watched the royal couple exchange vows on Friday, we are reminded of another royal wedding in 1982 that mesmerized the world. Charles and Diana are proof that no matter how much you have (or don’t have) going for you on the day of your wedding, marriage is a messy and complicated business that sometimes ends-sometimes tragically.

No one wants to get divorced. We don’t walk down the aisle thinking, “Aw, what the hell, if this doesn’t work, I can always get a divorce.” On your wedding day, you probably thought more along the lines of, “I don’t care how many people get divorced. This is not going to happen to us!” You were living your own wonderful fairy tale in which you were the princess marrying her prince! Yet here you are reassessing your marriage. How did it happen that the kingdom you and your beloved prince built is now in shambles??? It is awful and it hurts more than you could have ever imagined.

Divorce is a process with many issues, facets, twists, and turns. Your emotional well being, along with your financial assets and legal status, will all be called into play. Where you live, how you live, how you define yourself, and what you want from life are all going to be examined, evaluated, and possibly changed. Relationships with family, in laws, friends and children will all be affected.

Right now, you may be feeling overwhelmed with fear and loss. But that WILL change. Because change is always happening! Nothing is static. Life is a great pendulum, swinging back and forth, offering us moments of great joy and then deep pain. Sometimes we even are blessed with moments of peace and stability. At the beginning of your process, the pendulum swings back and forth wildly. You may feel out of control. As the time passes, that pendulum will continue to swing but the extremes will be less erratic and jarring. A gentle rhythm will again develop. Don’t believe it? Just look back on where you were a month or week or even one day ago, for proof that feelings are always in flux. Trusting that the fluctuation in your feelings is normal can help you accept those feelings without fear or anxiety or judgment.

Just accepting that you will not always feel so scared/angry/anxious/sad can soothe and reassure you! You will laugh and cry along your journey. As the process evolves, you will encounter new experiences, thoughts and new ideas. Accept even the things you resist or disappoint you as valuable as they also hold great lessons. A new rhythm will gradually develop and you will once again discover joy and peace, along with the unshakable knowledge, that having come through this difficult time, you are wiser and more resilient.

©2009. 2011. Donna F. Ferber From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association.

Do you have a story of surviving and thriving after divorce? By offering some thoughts on your own experience, you can offer support to someone who is struggling. As always, only your first name (unless you request otherwise) with appear or feel free to use an alias.

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4 Comments

  1. Annie on the 01. May, 2011 remarked #

    I remember only too well that pendulum, swinging back and forth, sometimes so wildly, I felt as if I was motion sick! I took some dramamine and went on the ride. It was not easy, however, I learned that if I made the pendulum stop swinging, then my life “clock” would stop. I didn’t want that! I wanted to live the life I deserved. Yes, it wasn’t what I had planned in my mind, but I needed to find a way to hang on.

    It’s been 6 years since I went through my divorce, and the pendulum still swings, but I have learned to place weight where needed to get the balance on the swing.

  2. Laurie on the 01. May, 2011 remarked #

    yes, there is life after divorce, in my case, a better life waiting for me, even though I didn’t know I needed a better life 😉 I remember the pain being so deep and unbearable, especially at night. One thought that kept me keeping on is “this too shall pass”.

  3. CJ on the 01. May, 2011 remarked #

    As it is when we go through any unknown in life, the tunnel appears dark and without end. But there is that light – even if we have to manufacture it along our paths. And it is that light that will help illuminate the way to a better, stronger, more joyful life.
    We just have to be the match that starts the candle burning.

  4. mikerosss on the 21. May, 2011 remarked #

    Wow this is a great resource.. I’m enjoying it.. good article

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