Recently I was (again) reminded that emotional abuse is not always obvious and often goes undetected by those people who are involved in it on a day to day basis. The insidious, demeaning behavior of emotional abuse is often dismissed by rationalization(“he doesn’t mean it”), mimimalization (“it is not so bad”) and hopelessness (“ what can I do about it anyway?”). Regardless of the coping mechanisms employed, Emotional Abuse takes its toll- it damages the self esteem, diminishes confidence and may even manifest in physical ailments such as chronic headaches, sleep difficulties, backaches, depression, anxiety and digestive issues.
Frequently family members recount their outrageous tales on a case by case basis. Rather than see the pattern of behavior, they examine each infraction separately- he wouldn’t go to my cousins wedding, he insists I have dinner on the table by 6 PM every night, I cannot go to the mall without his permission , I can’t have access to the check book, I can’t cut my hair- are some examples. Often these anecdotes are so absurd they sound humorous. Of course, they aren’t in the least bit funny but humor is indeed another coping mechanism frequently employed. Some women living with this kind of behavior reduce its impact by comparing their partner to Ralph Cramden or Archie Bunker. Creating a caricature of abuse seems to make it more manageable, more two dimensional and thus, less real. This helps the abused feels as if she can cope. She minimizes the impact and thus the threat. For women who are in long-term relationships with emotionally abusive men, this coping mechanism, like the others, is an attempt to make the intolerable, tolerable. The problem is that they get so adept at this technique that it distorts their reality.
When we don’t look at something realistically, we cannot fix it. If a leaky roof is reframed as a waterfall, then we don’t see it as a problem. If a funky smell in the house is merely covered up with an air freshener, then the underlying problem never gets diagnosed.
The more out of control a woman feels, the more she longs to change the situation and this makes sense except her focus is misdirected. Ironically she tries to manage symptoms rather than addressing the problem. The goal becomes “keeping the peace” rather than changing the dynamics and so she “tiptoes around”, “walks on egg shells”, “acquiesces”, “doesn’t make waves.” She begins to anticipate the abusers needs so as to avoid confrontation. She becomes “extra nice.” Many women have stated that they thought if they provided a “model” of acceptable behavior then they could “teach” their partner through example. Ironically, the over-solicitous behavior enforces that the abusive behavior is acceptable. The abuser regards her efforts as compliance and acceptance and the abuser soon learns that the more they demand, threaten, wince, sulk, or scream, the more compliance they can expect. So, she scoots around like a scared cat and he luxuriates in the knowledge that he controls her merely by an icy stare, silence or the threat of anger. Over time, this accommodation becomes increasingly exhausting as abuse is not static. Unchecked, it always escalates. Feeling desperate, the woman may begin to go to drastic measures to keep the peace. These usually involve giving up not only her dreams but part of, if not all of, herself. She becomes merely a shell of a person.
Years of this kind of treatment result in feelings of self doubt, diminished self confidence, shame, and secrecy. Sometimes the abuser “appears” overprotective and this erodes self confidence. For example, the man who will not “let” his wife drive in bad weather is sending a message- not one of love and protection, but rather one of incompetence and inability. When we do not allow adults to makes decisions for themselves, this is not to protect but to control. Over time the abused begins to feel like a failure, her self-doubt escalates, her sense of self plummets, she becomes increasingly fearful. She begins to feel shame, thus making excuses and covering up the situation. She becomes secretive and more isolated. Slowly she begins to feel she has no choices- if she is so inept, she couldn’t possibly make it on her own and if she is so unworthy, who would want her? She begins to build a cage around herself, one that is constructed from her loss of self. She no longer sees her options.
What helps? Connection rather than isolation can help the problem. Sharing with friends is a good thing. So is telling a trusted family member-it is not disloyal to get help. But understand while family and friends can offer support, professional help is critical if any real change can really occur. You cannot do this alone. You must learn, really learn that are NOT responsible for another person’s behavior. Opening up and sharing your story with a professional-a therapist , your physician or even a clergy member- is the first step in getting help for YOURSELF.
The second step is to take the focus off of him and refocus on YOU. Do not lose sight of your dreams. There is a good chance you have been told your desires are foolish or have in another way been minimized. Don’t believe for one minute that what you want doesn’t count just as much as what he wants.
Healthy relationships require respect and kindness from both parties. If you are not treated with respect and you allow that to continue, then you have stopped respecting yourself. Nothing good can come of such mistreatment.
*Readers, I ask for your help here. This will be the first in a series of blogs on this important subject. Your voice is needed here. As emotional abuse has many, many faces, please share your story so that other women (and sometimes men) can learn from your journey. Perhaps your story will resonate with another. It may even save someone’s life. (you will be asked for your e-mail address, it will not be published. Only your first name, initials or if you prefer a pseudonym is fine.)