Political wrangling, posturing and pandering seem to consume the news this year. The tone of all this hype and banter is amazing familiar when we consider “the politics” of Valentine’s Day. Sure the content is different, but the confusion, second guessing and need for approval remain the same.
It goes something like this: He is afraid of getting it wrong. She is palpitating with excitement. He doesn’t remember it’s the 14th. She had bought sexy lingerie. He is looking forward to CSI. She waits with anticipation to see if he “gets it right”. He knows he probably won’t. She wants the long stem roses. He resents having to buy them on THIS day at triple the price. She hopes for that designer bracelet. He is thinking of tickets to the play-offs. He knows this is a “make up” gift and doesn’t know what that means. She expects a knock-out “make-up” gift. She cancels her appointments that day to be home early. He may have scheduled a root canal. Thankfully, no one schedules a colonoscopy.
There seems to be a lot of anxiety and drama here as both men (if they remember) and women seem more focused on “getting it right” than on expressing the affection they feel for their partner. But the anxiety doesn’t seem to be reciprocal. HE is anxious about getting it right for his partner. She is also anxious that He gets it right. It doesn’t seem that either the men or the women are particularly angst ridden as to what HIS Valentine’s Day present will reveal.
The in depth analysis of the Valentines’ Day gift by women strikes me as curious. No other holiday seems to be met by women with such a mix of concern and excitement. At Christmas or even at birthdays, if the gift misses the mark, we may be disappointed but not devastated and simply return it. We don’t interpret it as a dark indictment of our relationship. Women seem to find deep hidden meaning in these Valentine’s Day offerings.
I get it- this is a symbolic gesture-but does it mean he has to get the “right” gift to be the “right” guy? The answer is of course, yes…if you trust the onslaught of media messages! Red roses-Yes! Irises-NO! Chocolates-Yes! Pepperoni-NO! Gold-Yes! Gold-Plate? Not so much….
Now the poor guy is in conflict…What if she likes yellow roses more than red? Will she see his choice of yellow as paying attention to her preferences or will she think him cheap? If he goes with the red, will she feel he doesn’t listen to her? If she is dieting and he buys chocolate, will she see him as sabotaging her diet? If he does not buy chocolate, will she interpret this as his thinking she is fat? And the jewelry…clearly the more expensive the piece the more he loves! OR maybe she will see an extravagant piece of jewelry as compensation for some guilty deed and wondered if he did something very wrong.
What do women REALLY want on Valentine’s Day? How do we want our men to express their love and appreciation for us- not just on one day but every day? Do we make them guess (as in “if you loved me you would know”) what we need? That’s silly if you think about it- and a recipe for disappointment- love doesn’t instantly grant him clairvoyance. Ladies, give your guy a break. This stuff simply doesn’t mean as much to him. He does it to make you happy. He is trying. Consider all the ways he loves you throughout the year- tenderness, attention, affection and support not to mention killing bugs, checking for burglars, cleaning up dog vomit, putting up with your parents. So, the gift wasn’t great. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It simply means he isn’t a good gift giver. And the converse is true – don’t be suckered into thinking the fabulous roses, the imported chocolates, the stunning diamond necklace are signs of love when during the rest of the year, he is disrespectful, abusive (in any way), untruthful, unsupportive. All the fancy gifts in the world don’t transform a Lout into a Lover.
Love is, after all, a verb, to be demonstrated in ways that are infused into every moment of your lives together- not just on this one day of symbols and gestures and endless marketing.
♥♥♥♥
Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in private practice and is the author of the award winning From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce now available in Kindle format for $9.99 as well as in paperback. Click here to purchase.
I remember one year, my boyfriend did nothing (we had his young nephew and his friend visiting, so I had 3 valentine dates). I thought he had hidden somewhere in my house but after frantic searching, found nothing. I was devasted. Was this his way of telling me we were over? The next day at work, I got the clown with the balloon boquet -he had booked it too late for the big day but figured the attention I’d get from the office full of envious women, would make up for it. Hmmmm, so true that we put so much emphasis on what he DOES for us on that day instead of being authentic and just expressing how we feel about each other. You nailed it!
Expectations for the perfect Valentine’s gift is setting yourself up for a giant letdown, maybe even a resentment. If you want flowers ask for flowers. If you want to go out to dinner say you want to go out to dinner. Men {and women} are not mind readers. Not even on Valentine’s Day.
Donna – you are exactly right! Sometimes I forget to look at all the wonderful things my husband does all year and I too focus on that one day with the expectation that he would have planned ahead (like I do) and found the “perfect” gift when in fact he gives me the best gift all year by being an awesome Dad and amazing husband. Thanks for the reminder:-)
So gorgeous, so true, so right-on. Why do we women forget this?