Everyone wants to be loved.

       But sometimes we get confused. We may want so desperately to be cared about and valued that we believe we are loved even when someone treats us badly. When I hear stories of women being neglected or abused by their partner, I ask, “Why do you stay?”  They say, “Because he loves me.” “How do you know that?” I ask. “Because he says so,” they respond.

       There is a problem with this kind of “love”. What good are the words of love without the behavior? We must show love, not merely say the words. We must behave and treat others with love. That means we treat other people, especially our life partners, children and those closest to us, with tenderness, respect, consideration, honesty, fairness, and caring.

       However, it is easy to be seduced by the words and the symbols. Why is it that women will accept an occasional bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates as evidence of “love”? These are the gestures we associate with love but they not love itself. In order for love to have meaning and value in one’s life, it must be manifested in actions every minute of every day. Certainly there will be angry times, but there should be kindness and respect even underneath the anger.

       Women who stay in relationships where love is not demonstrated in action often come to a counseling wondering what they feel so bad. But therapy is usually not their first stop. Often they have seen a number of physicians and specialists for a myriad of ailments, including stomach ailments, insomnia, neck and back problems, migraines, or anxiety. Staying in a relationship in which you are not treated in a caring way, will take its toll on your health. Like a plant that needs sun, water, and tender care to grow and thrive, human beings need nurturing, too. If we do not attend to our gardens, they suffer. Saying “I promise I will water you” is similar to saying “I love you”- without the action both will wither and die.

        Ask yourself if you are seduced by the words and gestures. Did you want to be loved so badly that you overlook abusive behaviors? Did you think that “the words” are enough? How does your body and spirit feel? How is your self esteem? Does this relationship nurture you? Do you get to grow and thrive? Or do you just get words and keep hoping that something will change?

        If you aren’t sure if your relationship is abusive, because the “words of love” feel confusing, try this: Close your eyes and imagine your entire relationship on a videotape. Before you play it through in your mind, press the mute button so there will be no words to hear, only actions to see. As you play the tape, ask yourself, “Are those the actions of LOVE?”

This is the second in a series of essays on emotional abuse. Based on the many heartfelt responses, it certainly has touched readers deeply. Some who chose not to comment here contacted me privately. Thank you all for your sharing. For all of you who do write and share your story, know that you touch others with your courage and honesty. You inspire us all! Thank you.