Recently I was (again) reminded that emotional abuse is not always obvious and often goes undetected by those people who are involved in it on a day to day basis. The insidious, demeaning behavior of emotional abuse is often dismissed by rationalization(“he doesn’t mean it”), mimimalization (“it is not so bad”) and hopelessness (“ what can I do about it anyway?”). Regardless of the coping mechanisms employed, Emotional Abuse takes its toll- it damages the self esteem, diminishes confidence and may even manifest in physical ailments such as chronic headaches, sleep difficulties, backaches, depression, anxiety and digestive issues.
Frequently family members recount their outrageous tales on a case by case basis. Rather than see the pattern of behavior, they examine each infraction separately- he wouldn’t go to my cousins wedding, he insists I have dinner on the table by 6 PM every night, I cannot go to the mall without his permission , I can’t have access to the check book, I can’t cut my hair- are some examples. Often these anecdotes are so absurd they sound humorous. Of course, they aren’t in the least bit funny but humor is indeed another coping mechanism frequently employed. Some women living with this kind of behavior reduce its impact by comparing their partner to Ralph Cramden or Archie Bunker. Creating a caricature of abuse seems to make it more manageable, more two dimensional and thus, less real. This helps the abused feels as if she can cope. She minimizes the impact and thus the threat. For women who are in long-term relationships with emotionally abusive men, this coping mechanism, like the others, is an attempt to make the intolerable, tolerable. The problem is that they get so adept at this technique that it distorts their reality.
When we don’t look at something realistically, we cannot fix it. If a leaky roof is reframed as a waterfall, then we don’t see it as a problem. If a funky smell in the house is merely covered up with an air freshener, then the underlying problem never gets diagnosed.
The more out of control a woman feels, the more she longs to change the situation and this makes sense except her focus is misdirected. Ironically she tries to manage symptoms rather than addressing the problem. The goal becomes “keeping the peace” rather than changing the dynamics and so she “tiptoes around”, “walks on egg shells”, “acquiesces”, “doesn’t make waves.” She begins to anticipate the abusers needs so as to avoid confrontation. She becomes “extra nice.” Many women have stated that they thought if they provided a “model” of acceptable behavior then they could “teach” their partner through example. Ironically, the over-solicitous behavior enforces that the abusive behavior is acceptable. The abuser regards her efforts as compliance and acceptance and the abuser soon learns that the more they demand, threaten, wince, sulk, or scream, the more compliance they can expect. So, she scoots around like a scared cat and he luxuriates in the knowledge that he controls her merely by an icy stare, silence or the threat of anger. Over time, this accommodation becomes increasingly exhausting as abuse is not static. Unchecked, it always escalates. Feeling desperate, the woman may begin to go to drastic measures to keep the peace. These usually involve giving up not only her dreams but part of, if not all of, herself. She becomes merely a shell of a person.
Years of this kind of treatment result in feelings of self doubt, diminished self confidence, shame, and secrecy. Sometimes the abuser “appears” overprotective and this erodes self confidence. For example, the man who will not “let” his wife drive in bad weather is sending a message- not one of love and protection, but rather one of incompetence and inability. When we do not allow adults to makes decisions for themselves, this is not to protect but to control. Over time the abused begins to feel like a failure, her self-doubt escalates, her sense of self plummets, she becomes increasingly fearful. She begins to feel shame, thus making excuses and covering up the situation. She becomes secretive and more isolated. Slowly she begins to feel she has no choices- if she is so inept, she couldn’t possibly make it on her own and if she is so unworthy, who would want her? She begins to build a cage around herself, one that is constructed from her loss of self. She no longer sees her options.
What helps? Connection rather than isolation can help the problem. Sharing with friends is a good thing. So is telling a trusted family member-it is not disloyal to get help. But understand while family and friends can offer support, professional help is critical if any real change can really occur. You cannot do this alone. You must learn, really learn that are NOT responsible for another person’s behavior. Opening up and sharing your story with a professional-a therapist , your physician or even a clergy member- is the first step in getting help for YOURSELF.
The second step is to take the focus off of him and refocus on YOU. Do not lose sight of your dreams. There is a good chance you have been told your desires are foolish or have in another way been minimized. Don’t believe for one minute that what you want doesn’t count just as much as what he wants.
Healthy relationships require respect and kindness from both parties. If you are not treated with respect and you allow that to continue, then you have stopped respecting yourself. Nothing good can come of such mistreatment.
*Readers, I ask for your help here. This will be the first in a series of blogs on this important subject. Your voice is needed here. As emotional abuse has many, many faces, please share your story so that other women (and sometimes men) can learn from your journey. Perhaps your story will resonate with another. It may even save someone’s life. (you will be asked for your e-mail address, it will not be published. Only your first name, initials or if you prefer a pseudonym is fine.)
Mine started as a child. My narcissistic mother started this trend for me. She always sent me the message that I was not good enough, beating me for things that I didn’t even do, making me do things children aren’t meant to do. My father wasn’t around until I was older and I didn’t see it in him right away but sure enough the comments on my breast size at 14 came, he drank as if to tell me I wasn’t worth being sober for, drinking and driving with me in the car as if I was expendable to kill with his recklessness. This for me was the model of another’s love, or the expectation. I thought I knew I deserved more but when it came right down to it, I accepted the same behavior from a “loving man”. I looked at his “resume”. He had all the things you look for in a man, brains, connected family, talent, status, potential for wealth, religion, and humor. What was his missing key? Respect for me. The rational excuses I gave him made it ok, for a while. When my world came crashing around me after 8 years of marriage with this man, I sought professional help to get through it. That nasty past of mine that I thought I left in the past, that I rose above (I actually graduated from college, had friends, was not physically abused anymore) was rearing its ugly ahead once again. My internal voice is still one of little worth. I’ll be fine, I continue to seek a healthy view of myself. I guess my point in sharing is to tell my story and if it’s like yours to rethink your growth from your past and two, to remember your power as a parent. You as a parent have a great power in your hands, for good and bad. Not only what you do for/to your children but also what you model for your children. If I started my healing process before kids I think they would have been better off. I can only hope and work towards breaking the cycle of no self worth for my daughter. Talking and sharing are powerful for you and those around you.
My mother was abusive. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, popular enough…. the list goes on and on.
As a young adult I constantly dated men who treated me the same way until one day, I just had enough.
I decided that I actually DESERVED to be treated better. I had friends who liked me, so it occurred to me that I wasn’t unlikeable – or unlovable. That I wasn’t stupid or fat or whatever the insult of the moment happened to be.
I resented other people making me feel bad about myself and I knew that in order for my life to change, I had to change.
When I finally recognized that I had control over my life – that I didn’t need people in my life who didn’t love me or appreciate me – that they needed to be abusive towards me to feel better about themselves.
What a revelation!
My family emotionally abused me. I never was good enough. All I remember hearing was “she can’t read, she can’t do it, she will never go to college etc” My mother was always watching my weight, approving or disapproving of my worthiness by my appearance. I remember times when she wouldn’t speak to me when she thought I was a bit too “heavy” for her. I was told not to go out of the house without makeup on or my hair done. I learned that I had to look a certain way and act a certain way to be liked. I drank as a kid to because I could get the attention I wanted by acting funny and people laughed and I thought they liked me.
I met and married my 1st husband because he thought I was nice. He came from a dysfunctional family, he had low self esteem,and I was able to make him feel better. My job was to take care of him, build his ego, make him feel important and forget about my needs. I went along with this for years. I suffered because he put me down every chance he could. When I was happy about something I had accomplished, he felt left out and ignored. He told me I wasn’t a good wife. I believed him. It took years of therapy to leave him for a better life, and yes I felt guilty and ashamed for what others might think.
I waited a year or two and married my 2nd husband who I thought was the “love of my life”. He was my boyfriend from college who left me for another woman (I should have seen the signs) He liked me, actually seemed to adored me, he fussed over me like no one ever did. It didn’t matter that he didn’t have a job, I was going to help him find a job, and make excuses for all of his difficulties. I believed every word he said, just because he fussed over me. He thought I was great, and I loved it. I felt like I was privileged to be with this man. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t keep a job, or that he had problems getting along with others, or that he never had money. I understood, and was going to help him get on his feet. After years of debt, bankruptcy, and lies that he hid from me I was the blame for all of his problems. I refused to accept that and as a result I was physically abused, and had him arrested.
I struggled with pressing charges because of the kids and doing something that was so harsh, until he sat next to me in court and said, “See what you got us into?”
A light bulb finally lit up in my head and I had to repeat what I heard because I couldn’t believe how blatant his emotional abuse was. Yet I didn’t want to accept it.
I struggled with our relationship for the longest time. I questioned whether I did the right thing. It was hard for me not be nice, but realized that I needed to be. I didn’t need to be nice to everyone, I needed respect, and acceptance for who I was.
I still continue to struggle to stand up for myself. I want to be liked and accepted by all. I realize today that my parents treated me this way because that was the way they were treated, and that is all they knew. My father is known to be a nice guy and my mother was attractive, thin and popular. They wanted the same for me, without realizing the emotional damage they were doing.
I have come to realize that I am in charge of my happiness, and have to make a concentrated effort to make myself feel good about who I am and not depend on someone else to make me feel better. It is not always easy, but it can be done.
I only wish I realize this many years ago.
Abuse is often incidious and inflicted upon the abused under the guise of love, protection or “I’m just being honest.” Any thought, word, action, facial expression, hand gesture or even body language that is not respectful or does not honor your uniqueness, is abuse. Never forget: you are a divine being, loving and lovable. Nothing can ever change that.
Donna – this blog is so very important for all of us to read as I suspect there is not a woman among us who hasn’t experienced emotional abuse – either experienced personally or to someone she loves.
You are so right on when you say that healthy relationships require respect and kindness from both parties. It is exactly that lack of respect and kindness that is reflected in the abuse.
I watched a prime example of this with my mother and father. In their case not only did they lack respect for each other – but they had no respect for themselves.
Being overbearing was my dad’s way of compensating for his lack of worth. And, being the abused party turned my mother into a woman who, then, believed she was a woman not worthy of respect.
He had her convinced she had no abilities or intelligence. and she fell for it. Which, of course, allowed him to feel superior.
It is only as an adult that I can see and understand this emotionally abusive relationship. How sad for them both: two people who lived their lives in pain.
As I was going up, I was raised to be an independent woman. Do good in school, create a career, make your own money, so I would not have to depend on a man. While I was being drilled with this notion, my father and mother had the old fashion marriage of, the man rules, the woman listens. My mother never lived out her dreams of becoming a nurse. Whenever she tried to go back to school, somehow, the school work would interfere with the home life, and she would drop out. She never went back. My mother did not have friends to talk to , because when they did, my father would listen to conversation, and later tell my mother people were trying to influence her in a bad way. The example in this reading, “the man who will not “let” his wife drive in bad weather is sending a message- not one of love and protection, but rather one of incompetence and inability. When we do not allow adults to makes decisions for themselves, this is not to protect but to control.” Sums up my parents. Some of this would then leak out onto me. When I am single, I was full of strength, fierceness and committment to myself. Whenever I was in a relationship, I would become submissive and live for my partner, not myself. I came last.
Throughout my marriage, I was the good wife. I worked, but always made less money. Although I did have a college bacholers degree, I wanted to further my education, but found I had no time. I had to cook, clean, take care of the laundry, take care of our cats and dogs, always making sure my home was picture perfect. I was just the trophy wife who made him look good. We moved from Connecticut away from family and friends to Ohio then to Pennsylvania. This is when things got worse. I didn’t have any allies to protect me by pointing out the abuse I really was taking in. I became blind to the way I was being treated, like a slave. I was put down because I wasn’t tall, or thin enough, didn’t make enough money as other women, didn’t drink and party enough. I was ignored and untouched physically for over 2 years (I really thought he was had a problem “performing” from stress at work!). I was rejected constantly by the man I thought I gave up my dreams for. I was bullied and I took it. I thought that was what a good wife did.
I never actually left on my own. I was too weak, and had my head in the sand. I made excuses, such as, “he is a good provider”, “he works hard , that’s why he is never home”, “he wants US to OUR dream”….How blind I was. None of what we lived was for me. It was for him and I was “lucky” to have been taken along. I was FORCED to FLEE to leave my marriage after 11 years of this abuse. My husband was beginning to get violent and one night after an “almost” physical confrontation, I left. I had to pack my car up with as much belongings as I could and drove over 700 miles back to Connecticut for safety.
I have been divorced since 2004, and I am just finding my voice again. I have found the lost independent woman that was inside me. It has not been easy, but I am doing it on my own. Now, I only deal with the emotional garabage that I still sometimes tell myself. But, I can over come that. I Love Myself too much to ever have that kind of abuse again.
Donna – what a powerful article. Amazing how one can think they are living the perfect life when in reality, it is nothing more than a facade.
I married my high-school sweetheart. I was truly in love with him and him with me (so I thought). I was the perfect little wife….quit my job to take care of the kids. I took care of the home, I had 3 meals a day on the table seven days a week, I literally waited on my husband hand and foot. That’s what a good wife does – right?? I tolerated his verbal put-downs regarding my appearance and intelligence because I thought he was being honest and was trying to help me improve. I tolerated him making fun of me in front of family and friends because he said he was just being funny (yeah at my expense). Although, these emotional attacks hurt me inside, I never let on because I had convinced myself that he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me…he was just being honest, he was just being funny – right??
Then when I went back to work after raising our children, I started to make new friends. Friends that wanted to do things after work, like go to dinner or a movie. When I would ask his ‘permission’ to go out, he would get angry with me for wanting to go out with my friends rather than come home to make him dinner and be with him. He would lay a serious guilt trip on me. So, I would tell my friends I couldn’t go and would make up a lame excuse so they wouldn’t think he was a bad person. I did what ever I could to keep him happy. As your article says, I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace.
At the time, I didn’t see how controlling and emotionally abusive he was towards me because I loved him with all my heart. Then when I started to think that his behavior towards me just didn’t feel right, and that maybe I should say something, I would quickly dismiss it because I was afraid of the alternative. How in the world could I ever live without the love of my life?
So I stayed silent for over 30 years. Then the cheating and lying came, and with that came harsher emotional abuse. I was very very fortunate that I had wonderful family and friends who helped me see the light, and helped me to see that the relationship I thought was a match made in heaven was layered with deceit and emotional abuse (unbeknownst to me).
Post divorce, it took several years of intense 1:1 therapy, support groups, and retreats to make me finally see that I was abused for many years, and that I did not do anything nor deserved to be abused. It took a long time for my self esteem to gain some positive ground. Today, I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% but I am darn close, and my self esteem is the best it’s been in 30+ years.
No one ever deserves to be emotionally abused, and while we most likely will not want to admit that that is what’s happening because we are afraid of the unknown or alternative, we have to pay attention to the warning signs, heed loved one’s opinions when they tell us that is exactly what’s happening, then seek professional help immediately.
I will be very honest, if I had not done those things, I physically would not be sitting here today enjoying my life, my children, my grandchildren, family and friends and it would have all been because I let someone emotionally abuse me for a great number of years.
Donna – I think your article is spot on, and I hope that if there is anyone reading this piece who even suspects that they are being emotionally abused, that they pay extra attention to your wisdom and get the help they need. Life should not be lived in an emotionally abusive way!!!
Rose
Have any of you had a child who is the abusive one? I’m reading, mainly, of partners, spouses, etc., and I totally understand that kind of power play abuse intuitively…BUT I’m wondering if any of you have been verbally abused by your child..? It’s a different conversation….
This article is ME! I have been in an abusive marriage for years I have been hit slapped bit! The physical abuse did stop but the emotional abuse still linger.