In Anne Lamott’s novel Crooked Little Heart, Charles remarks that “holding onto resentment is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”( Lamott, pg. 187)
Many of us, as we get older, have accumulated quite a list of resentments. This list may include people who harmed us in some way: maybe by betrayal, deception, abandonment or cruelty. Our resentments do not just spring up unprovoked. No, they are often a response to being deeply hurt and usually by someone we love and trust. We don’t hold resentments regarding the stranger who screamed at us when we accidentally cut him off on the highway. These momentary blips of discomfort just fade away.
It is the hurtful things from the people who matter the most that seem to take up residence in our heart. The amount of resentment is often proportional to how badly the infraction, but mostly it is correlated to how important the person was in our lives. Simply put, the more we care, the more it hurts.
The problem with resentment is that by holding onto it, we hurt ourselves. The emotional pain and constant negative thoughts only sour us, making us moody, cynical and sometimes bitter. These traits do not encourage other people to move toward us. In fact, healthy people distance themselves from that kind of bitterness. Certainly, if you were hurt, your friends want to be there for you, but after a while, even they begin to tire of your tirade and will long to see you let it go.
In Twelve Step Programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, it is suggested one should “pray for their enemies”, for the very people who wronged and hurt you. When I first heard that, I admit, my jaw dropped. Letting go of resentment is one thing, but praying for someone who hurt me seemed to be carrying all this nice stuff too far. I still wanted the rat to suffer! Then I imagined how it would feel to let go of that resentment. I would feel better. The rat–well, I can’t do anything about the rat, but why waste another precious day suffering and feeling badly? Suddenly, there seemed to be some merit in the praying thing. In praying for the other, I would feel better!
I can almost hear some of you objecting to the idea of “prayer”. You may see yourself as non-religious or as an atheist and you may be thinking, “Nope. Not doing that. This prayer business isn’t for me.” Ok. I get it. Then think of it differently-think of this an as an exercise in practicing compassion for the rat.
Filling our heart with compassion helps us. It makes us feel calmer, more accepting and less tortured. Praying for the rat grounds us in compassion not bitterness. It fills us with gentle thoughts. The tension and pain begin to fade…maybe not completely, but the edges become a little less jagged and punishing. Just the act of changing your thought process will help you feel better. This isn’t just mumbo jumbo; resentment creates stress in our body. Thoughts of Compassion reduce cortisol and adrenalin output.
Of course, this does not mean you accept or condone what was done to you. Finding a way to diminish your pain does not exonerate the other person. It simply says, “My life is too important to spend any more time letting you hurt me.”
When you let your resentment go, you are truly free to move onto the next chapter of your life.
wow, this could not have come at a better time. the betrayal from my ex-husband or soon to be ex-husband is continual since last june and even before that i have recently realized. it seems on a weekly basis something new is brought to my attention regarding his improprieties. I have said to myself i don’t want to be bitter but it is difficult. However, I am a true believer in negative energy being detrimental to ones health . So getting this excerpt right now is a true testament to me that, well there is a higher power sending us signs and its up to us as individuals to heed these signs or continure letting emotions fuel your fire at the expense of your health. I am gratful for the signs i receive and grateful for the wisdom to listen. thank you
My ex-husband was killed this past week and I have been holding on to the bitterness – we have not spoken for almost 2 years and we have children. This excerpt hits home and while there is nothing I can do or say to him on this earth, I can pray for him, his family, and my sons.
I almost feel like your post is a sign to help me along in my struggle with forgiving my mother.
She was raised in an abusive household and has a lot of emotional problems. Her treatment of me over the years has been VERY emotionally abusive that I had to distance myself from her and cut communication for six years.
A year ago we reconciled and despite this, sometimes I find the resentment creeping back in.
Your blog has reminded me to try to put myself in her shoes for a moment and ”pray for the rat.” Thank you for reminding me to try to find compassion and be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life.
Hugs, Donna!
With understanding, comes forgiveness. Pray for understanding. It heals everyone involved.
I don’t know who this lady is, how she got my email, or what, but this serendipitously came shortly after we had our discussion regarding the importance of forgiveness in the process of moving on and having things go right for you. It goes one step farther in the forgiveness process, making it active through actually praying for the person we feel that we have been victimized by. I think it is brilliant.
By the way, I have found the more you practice forgiveness as a habit, the more things not only go right for you, but needful things literally just drop into your experience. The law of cause and effect still works in most things (linear thinking), but non-linear experiences increase to the point that the space created by a legitimate (good, in the larger context) need is automatically filled without holding on to specific outcomes and without taking any specific steps to create the fulfillment of the need. After awhile, it no longer even seems weird that things appear out of nowhere.
A thanks to Ms. Ferber for her further insights. I hope she knows the power of what she is proposing.
Donna – what a wonderful piece! I whole heartedly agree with ‘praying for the rat’. I started praying for my ex and his wife (the girl he cheated on me with) about a year ago and I’ll tell you, it was actually very freeing. Like you, I wanted the rat to suffer (big time) but what I didn’t realize was how much my resentment was holding me back from fully enjoying my life. It wasn’t until I decided to pray for them (as difficult as that was in the beginning) that I felt a total sense of peace with my situation. Since I have released my resentment to my Higher Power, my life has been so much more rewarding than I could ever have imagined. It’s amazing what prayer will do for a soul!
Your article hit home for me and I hope others that read it will heed to your wisdom because praying for the rat really does work!!!