Right up front, I admit I have always had a problem with this statement. I first heard it in the 70’s and I cannot remember a time when I did not roll my eyes or make that finger-in-my-throat gagging gesture. It simply struck me as syrupy and sentimental. As I grew older (and hopefully, a teensy bit wiser) I realized that these words, especially when taken out of context, offer a terrible message on love and relationships. It joins of ranks of other questionable “Love” messages such as, “No Matter What You Do, I Only Want To Be With You.”(This is hard for me to admit as I really love the music of Dusty Springfield). These two sentiments are more about domestic abuse than about love. Both infer that “love” provides immunity from taking responsibility for bad behavior.
Eric Segal is the creator of the famous/infamous quote which first appeared in his blockbuster novel and subsequent movie, Love Story. The 1970 film Love Story starred Ali MacGraw as Jennifer Cavilleri and Ryan O’Neal as Oliver Barrett III. Segal died earlier this month. As Valentine’s Day approaches, it seems fitting to consider Segal’s quote and what it says about “Love”.
In a culture where we are increasingly unkind and even violent toward our loved ones, this is not the quote on which to hang our hat (or more importantly, our relationship). “I’m Sorry” just like “Excuse me” or “Thank you” or even “Please” seem to me to be simple courtesies that should be mandated in all relationships. Unfortunately they are increasingly absent. These simple gestures say I respect and value you. I care that I hurt you. I do not take you for granted. I want to make amends.
How important is it to admit your mistakes? Very. For example, in twelve step programs, the ability and willingness to make amends is part of the process of healing and growth. All major religions promote atonement for our transgressions. Apologizing makes us feel better. It lightens the load of guilt we drag around. It helps us to let go our resentments. It is taking the high road. It builds character and self esteem to admit when we have screwed up.
And it also makes the other feel better. It helps the wounded party know they are valued. It helps them heal whatever pain they are facing. Indeed women experiencing divorce often lament, “If only he would say, ‘I am sorry I hurt you’, it would validate that we once meant something to each other.” That simple act of contrition and kindness can go a long way to reduce acrimony and litigation fees.
Kindness matters.
You may think I am being a bit picky here. Yet some thirty + years later, this line is still frequently used. It has become incorporated into our daily vernacular. I have actually heard couples invoke these “sacred words of Segal” as a way to rationalize a transgression and to avoid apology. The goal should not be to “never say you are sorry” but rather to diminish behaviors that would require it.
I am married to a great guy who almost never apologizes. He explained to me why he’s this way and, while I get it, I still think it’s nice to hear an “I’m sorry” when things don’t go according to plan. Sometimes it’s nice to know that the other person feels bad that you feel bad and wants to right the wrong.
I have to say that I never did “get” that line, either. Perhaps love means trying real hard to do things that don’t require apologies. But that is unrealistic and, when an apology is required – well, who better to give it to than the folks you have hurt. And most of all those in your life who you love. Love means, to me, “trying real hard to not have to say i’m sorry”. Hmmm. A bit long to put in the movie?
That was one of my pet peeves in my former marriage. Although a good guy in many ways, it was rarely that I heard an apology from him and I remember telling him that he should apologize for different things…it seemed very hard for him to do.
Now I am in a relationship where I don’t have to ask for an apology…if he thinks he has hurt me in any way, he very willingly and in a hearfelt way says he is sorry and further explains why he said certain things…it feels good to have someone who admits he makes mistakes.
Saying your sorry is another way of saying I love you and I care about your feelings not only in the good times but the bad as well. Being willing to say your sorry reflects not only on your soul but your attitude toward others as well.
Caring about someones feelings
can never be wrong if its sincere.
My husband will admit when he is wrong and say he is sorry. But he doesn’t usually give me any sort of feedback. When he does say something, I really listen to take ii in, since I know how rare it is. I figure it must be important if he managed to say something.
There are no black and white rules that work about saying you’re sorry. Never saying it or saying it too much which also happens, neither works. It’s a balancing act- like everything else in relationship.
Having been married to a man that didn’t feel like he needed to say “I’m sorry” and was more about being right than doing what is right, I am very thankful that I have recognized this and am working toward better choices for myself.
I have often thought that oftentimes we do treat “strangers” better than our own family and other loved ones – I don’t know why. We not only need to treat strangers with respect and kindness but we need to treat the people we love with the same (or more)because they are, by definition, very important to our lives.
When someone says “I’m sorry” and they sincerely mean it, I feel important and valued in the relationship. It is then easy for me to let go of whatever it was that needed the apology and move forward onto better things!
Love is a verb. Apologizing is accepting responsibility, admitting bad behavior, and making amends. It shows self-awareness and the desire to do better. Eric was wrong!
I read this and my first thought was PUHlease.. who in their right mind would swallow that line!! It just doesn’t sit right –does it? I am thinking that if you offend someone an apology is a wonderful thing to offer and especially if that someone is a “loved” one. Those are the people that should matter most in your life and they deserve your utmost respect and sincerity. I agree that apologizing is taking the high road and of course we learned in another blog that this promotes one’s own self esteem. So to offer an apology actually is very beneficial to both people involved. A win-win situation if I ever saw one. Apologizing helps both parties to feel valued and validated, which I daresay, is a sign of a healthy relationship.
“I’m sorry” are the two most important words in a relationship when used appropriately. To not use them is abusive in a subtle way because it undermines the feelings of the other in the relationship. The phrase from Love Story reminds me of the pre-battered woman song: Still I Love Him. The man in this relationship puts out gifts and then yanks them back as she’s about to take hold of them…yet, still she loves him and will go with him wherever hs goes…no mention of, “I’m Sorry” anywhere. The phrase is also right up there with “You’re too sensitive” and “I was only kidding. Why do have to be so serious?” after an insulting remark or making the other the butt of a joke.
I HATE that line. I remember seeing the movie and thinking, “I can’t believe that idiot just said that, and the other idiot bought it!” Probably like many others, I have had that line foisted on me –particularly in the 1980s dating scene. I too dread that that line has become part of our lexicon —
Interestingly enough, years later I am married to a man who probably wouldn’t know where that line comes from, but who believes it. He, like his father did, lives by a similar credo — “don’t complain – don’t explain.” But, that’s another blog…..
However, even though he doesn’t say the words, his behavior after something has happened that an “I’m sorry” could easily fix, is very interesting. For hours or even days afterward, his actions are his apology. Not flowers or anything, but he goes out of his way to listen to how my day was, to offer to take my car for gas, to vacuum, etc. Not that he never does any of that, but this is definitely more than average.
I wonder — should I be happy that his actions are his way of apologizing??? Does love mean accepting that someone might not be able to SAY the words “I’m sorry?”
An apology, “I’m sorry” is something that should cause ease, and make you feel you matter. Your feelings are taken into consideration. You are respected. Whatever bad behavior brought the apology on, that “I’m Sorry” doesn’t give the guarantee it won’t happen again, or even worse. Is this phrase just spoken to smooth over the tidal wave that may be growing. Words that pacify a situation for a moment. Sometimes, I feel that “I’m sorry” is an empty phrase. Just words, that really have no meaning. Sometimes, “saying I’m sorry”, doesn’t mean that person really loves you. I feel that “I’m sorry” are words that should be carefully chosen and should be heartfelt with action to back up this important phase.
I do think it is important in any relationship to take responsibility when you may hurt or be disrespectful to another person however in our culture, children learn at a very young age that by muttering the words ” I’m sorry,” they can do just about anything and be forgiven. I think “i’m sorry” are just words. If someone truly feels remorse for what they have said or done, their actions must prove that they intend to grow. Show me that you are sorry. Don’t just tell me.
Which one would you prefer? Someone who readily says they are sorry, but don’t change the behavior that causes your hurt….or one who does not give out those apologies that frequently, but works at changing their behavior?
Sometimes, to some people those 3 little words just roll off their tongue to get the monkey off their back b/c words have little value and is not tied to personal accountability b/c those 3 little words gets them off the hook. Sending those words into the air space and into my mind is more hurtful when not accompanied with actions then even not saying them.