The High Road

When we are hurt or attacked, our first instinct is to defend ourselves much in the same way a cornered, wounded animal does. We long to strike back. We think if we hurt the other, then our pain will stop.

“He did it to me,” we rationalize. Well, yes, he behaved terribly, but do you want to allow him to set the standards for your own behavior?

Laura knew her all husband’s passwords. She had access to all his bank transactions, e-mail and voice mail. When she tapped into these resources, she found information that could hurt him, but information that hurt her terribly. At first she felt as if she was getting him back by violating his privacy. In truth, she was seriously hurting herself. Being a person of high standards and morals, she also felt ashamed of her behavior. Guilt, shame and pain were what she reaped from her “sleuthing,” and nothing more. When she realized this, she stopped accessing all his accounts. As she turned her focus him to herself, she slowly began to heal from the pain she had experienced. She learned to stop hurting herself.

Carol’s husband left her and she wanted him to pay, so she methodically and systematically turned his children against him by sharing intimate details of his transgressions and flaws. When the children wanted to see their father, she would act out, become sick or throw tantrums. Eventually, they gave up trying to see him as they didn’t want to deal with her behavior. Today in their late twenties, these children have a cordial, yet limited relationship with their father. The son is angry and drinks too much. The daughter flits from one relationship to another. Both treat their mother with contempt and scorn. She is unhappy, guilty, and filled with remorse. If Carol had taken the high road, we don’t know if her children would have fared differently, but she would have less guilt and remorse and feel better about herself as a mother, as a woman and as a person.

Taking the high road does not mean being a doormat and caving in to his every wish. It means standing up for yourself, but not in a way that compromises who you are. It means behaving ethically and with dignity. In the end, taking the high road leaves you with feelings of peace and pride. That makes you a survivor and a winner! It helps build good self-esteem and it lets you sleep at night!

Today-When I fantasize about making his life miserable, I will ask myself, “Will it really help me feel better?” How will lowering myself help me? Will it improve my sense of self? Will I be proud of myself? When I match someone else’s bad behavior, I let them define who I am and consequently, run my life.